Reflections on performing live and grief
Taking some time to reflect on the album (pre)launch at the start of the month.
A few weeks ago, I played my first proper live performance in a few years. It was a party at Peckham Levels celebrating my new album Infinity Mirrors and also B. Hawksley’s new EP I’ll Be Your Mirror.
Just before going on stage I was hit with a wave of so many different emotions. I came to the realisation that a lot of feelings I’d be suppressing were about to come to the surface. So much mental energy had gone into working towards releasing this record, planning this event and making sure everyone was up to date with what was happening that I hadn’t had time to think about something deeper that had been weighing on me.
The thought of forming a live band again after Matt Gordon had passed was a very difficult one. Matt was a key part in my live setting. He understood my music in a special unique way and was key in shaping and developing the live set-up. I didn’t want to feel as though I was replacing Matt but I also know he would’ve wanted me to keep playing (and he’d probably tell me I’m silly for thinking that way).
I met with my friend Ali to speak about it and slowly started coming round to the idea of performing again and making a plan to start again. Ali had stepped in last minute to play keys for a gig I had in Copenhagen for the Vinterjazz Festival. I remember that trip so fondly, it was so nice to be somewhere else with Matt, Ali, Alexa Harley and her partner Ger. We played in a round that evening and the next day we explored Copenhagen. Matt wanted to find the grave of a famous physicist and we all happily went with him, making a day out of it. This was the last time I got a chance to play live with Matt before he passed in January 2023 and i’ll always treasure those moments.
Talking with Ali helped me re-frame how I felt about approaching playing live again. Instead of replacing Matt, I am honouring him by continuing to play!
Ali introduced me to Ben Manning who agreed to play bass guitar and bass synth. After meeting and rehearsing with Ben for the first time I knew that we would get along. I feel like we share a similar outlook on a lot of things and he was so considered in his approach to learning my music - even to the point of learning every bass note in my track Freedom with Rohan Ayinde, Laura Misch and Marysia Osu which consists of lots of long notes that don’t really follow any specific pattern throughout the whole song.
After putting some feelers out to see who from the record could join as guests on the night I was surprised by how many people came back saying they could do it. Alexa Harley, Rohan Ayinde,
, Laura Misch and Marysia Osu all said they coul join on the night. Tawiah was up for it but sadly couldn’t make it in the end however she was definitely there in spirit! The thought of playing with all these incredible musicians felt a bit daunting at first but in practice it was so exciting. What a privilege it was to be able to bring the recorded tracks to life in a live setting with the very same people who worked so hard to make them in the first place. I’m just so grateful to all of them.
What resulted was such a special evening. I laughed, cried, embraced the mistakes and had so much fun playing this music I’d worked so hard for. Everyone in the room was so receptive and I really felt we were all in it together. Looking back over these photos taken by my sister in law Ula I can really feel the energy of the evening. So many hugs!
In the end I’m so happy that it happened and I was able to feel all of these things and play through them. I know Matt was there with us & we had a moment to honour him. I hope that we’ll have the opportunity to play together again very soon. (I’m working on making it happen!) We also recorded the evening, so I’ll share some recordings once I get the courage to listen it back to it all.
